Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Truth is I wouldn't call myself strong as much as scared...very scared. I keep hearing how strong I am and trust me, there are moments I believe that I am and then there are the times that I'm just acting on another level past my greatest fears.
.....this video is from this morning where I needed to observe his breathing before seeing his speech therapist. (he's sleepy here not doped up....and yes, his breathing tends to sound sort of wet and gunky)
I started this blog to possibly escape facebook, or pinterest, or to vent and inform others what's going on with Connor (Pierre Robin with cleft palate and as of today, issues that yet have a name). ....since losing Ireland, I've tried blogging before without any real commitment or success, but this is about my family and really anything and everything....maybe a journal of sorts. ............Anyway, I've been up since a little before 3am. Connor woke up and I placed him in our bed so maybe he can get a bit of sleep. Yesterday, Connor had some sort of medication through a nebulizer to open his lungs and all this did was exacberate his problems. His lungs honestly sound sort of normal (for him). When I hold him, there is a sort of constant vibration and anyone who's held a baby with a bad cold has felt this. The thing is, it comes and goes. Also because he's had an issue with reflux combined with aspiration, the constant fear is him aspirating his formula into his lungs. .........to truly vent, I have to say yesterday afternoon was one of the craziest 4 to 5 hours I've ever experienced in dealing with my own babies. Sawyer (16 months) has been teething and hopefully this explains his fever and of course, Connor (almost 3 months) was agittated from the medication he had yesterday. It seemed as soon as I'd have one calmed down, the other would start. ....I am about to sound messed up so leave if you can't handle this. ........I went through every emotion in the book! I was angry one minute, sad the next, feeling for each of my boys, feeling crazy about not hearing from Tristan as much as I'd like, mad at Mikey for being at work, mad I lived in Utah, sick of everyone having fun and vacationing and basically doing what I wished I could be doing.....I was irrational and going slightly nuts. Somehow, the boys came out of this stretch of time just fine. I had to put Connor in his pac n' play once or twice to just let him scream but of course the one time, I come back and he has puked on himself. ....then again, it was time to put him down because a screaming baby is not the picturesque scene we have of our little precious ones. I, also, had to excuse myself from Sawyer at one point and leave him screaming upstairs at the gate while I went and scrounged some dinner together (total mixing of crap in cans to microwave). Anywho, this is not even an exaggeration and I very much had a poor, pitiful me thing going on for a bit there. And miraculously, at some point, I managed to have Sawyer on one knee so I could sort of hold him tight and rock his hot and feverish little body, while holding Connor on the other knee and bouncing him while trying to keep his binky in his mouth (whole 'nother story about cleft palates and no suction meaning binky will not stay in his mouth). ..............ANYWHO, we all survived. I did end up having to text/call Mikey begging for him to leave work and grab some more tylenol and pedialyte. Kudos to him for staying to help me get them to bed as well. .........one funny thing here. The minute Mikey went back to work, I decided to throw on an old tshirt and night pants (meaning braless and no matching here, total comfort). Well, sure enough, this is when the home health van decides to deliver supplies. Of course, my first thought is I will hurt this man/driver if he touches the doorbell and wakes up these babies!!! Second thought, OMG!!! So, I decide babies are more important than my appearance and go to the door, holding ferocious dog (meaning idiot barking pussy cat of a dog) back and yelling out apologies for my appearance but the need for quiet (despite idiot, barking, pussy cat/dog). Go figure, I get the old, jolly, fat guy who just grins like he won a booby jack pot and states he thinks he'll be okay. God love him because this old perv made my night. You couldn't help but smile back as you tried to use the box to somewhat hide yourself (all while holding back stupid dog, holding the door ajar and seriously trying to hide yourself just a bit while signing paperwork). All in all, right this minute as I'm typing, I feel like I deserve a medal for last night.....or atleast a consolation prize of rock hard abs for the constant stress that I call my beautiful, crazy life. ............well, am now feeling a smile on my face, probably due to remembering the old perv (bless him) and feel this blog, at this moment, has served it's purpose. I shall now find a few pics to shamelessly post and sign off and hope for a glorious Tuesday.
Connor on June 8th....looking good!!!
Connor sleeping with his homemade binky dog....and looking beyond precious!!