Friday, July 6, 2012

Redefining the Dream/middle of the night ramblings

Who knows what this post will look like when I'm done.  I've been up since before 3am and the problem with blogging is you do need to censor yourself a bit....after all, your mom may read this...your mother in law, the hubby, the whole blogging is an online diary is a myth.  Sure, there are anonymous bloggers but I'm not one of them.  .......anywho, I got my boys down last night and started looking through netflix.  I wasn't really ready to committ to a movie, but just wanted to see what was on there for when I did have time.  ....Pinterest had already gave me inspiration to atleast clean  a bit....  Anywho, I watched an Andy Griffith show earlier and felt that the first show was stellar....I figure this will be the show I watch for the next few weeks.  ....I browsed some more classic shows and then landed in the documentaries and specifically a movie called Phyllis and Harold.  Wow, I will eventually have to watch it because the comments got to me.  People either loved it or hated it....but the ticker was that it was an honest account of this woman who was married for nearly 60 years and was in love with a married man the entire time.  She apparently sounds a bit selfish, totally spoiled, and had a doting husband that was clueless.  ....EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!   AND, this is all true, filmed and interviewed by one of the two daughters they had.  The comments were incredible.  Some were angered, others were thinking it was brazingly honest, some told stories of feeling familiar with the story and the time,......anyway, I've got to watch it at some point now.  I'm not sure if I'm approaching the movie as a freak show or as an honest account of one woman who was sad and yet selfish too.  ..........but of course, I went to bed and somewhere around 2ish, I changed Connor's diaper, checked on Sawyer and soon realized sleep was not in my near future.  This is when my mind starts lingering.  Tonight it lingered on how I believe people perceive our life.   ......I won't even go to the place of people saying they couldn't do what I do.  Yes, anyone can.  If you live and love enough, you probably will deal with more than you ever thought you could or would.  I just happen to be going through trials a little earlier.  My admiration for my elders grows daily and this is another post for another day.    .....What amazes me are those that believe how perfect Mikey and I are for each other (or just insert your perfect cliche of a couple here)....Don't get me wrong, we love each other but sometimes what is important is that we are committed to each other.......    I am a firm believer in people live in seasons.  There are times when we are feeling perfect for one another and then times when we drive each other nuts.  I think this it what makes us stronger in the long run but God help you, if you think there is some romantic perfection going on right now.  .....I don't know why I feel the need to air this "dirty" laundry but I think in the midst of my pinterest and facebook jealousies, part of me realizes that I'm feeding into a dangerous mindset because no one on this earth is perfect.  Pictures and even facebook are simply snapshots in time.  We all have these perfect moments and really, it's awesome to celebrate those and to cherish them.  BUT, they are snapshots and not the total picture.    ........I'm going to let you into my real world here.  I love my husband but when he farts or says something outlandish, I am thinking he's the dumbest person on earth in that moment.  LOL, I can see people cringing but this is true.  I love my husband because he loves me back even when I wake up in a mood that has no real foundation...I'm simply in a mood.  I love him because he sticks with me and usually supports me though he may not always understand where I'm coming from.  I want him because he usually wants me.  ....and I say usually, because there are times when we are real and imperfect and on two seperate pages because we are real and two seperate people.    ......Bottom line, we do love each other and I see us living a long and mostly happy life together (I say mostly because it's not all fun and games).....When Ireland died, people thought once again that we were amazing with each other.  People had no clue.  Mikey worked and I went into a dark place.  We were there for each other but neither of us understood the other.  We talked but we didn't understand where the other was coming from.  What kept us going was our committment to each other.  Love is part of the equation but really people romanticize love more than understand the work involved.  I think people forget basic english.  Love isn't a noun or an adjective, it's a verb.  It's an action.  When people forget that, their marriages crumble because they didn't keep up the work involved with engaging each other and literally, keeping the love alive (yeah, i'm just geek enough to see the noun here...).  Our love was shown during that time by simply letting go a little and just sort of being on a stand by status.  This was time where neither of us judged the other, we just accepted our different approaches to handling a world without our girl.......sometimes, when I feel a little jealous about how others lives seem so perfect right now, I stop and think maybe they don't have it so great.  Maybe they have never had something major happen to them and when something does, are they made of the stuff to endure the hard times. Because yeah, I'll say everyone can do what I do but I don't think everyone would.  Some people don't have the kahunas to do what needs to be done.  Some people think life should just give them whatever they want versus them having to work for it.   ........who knows.....
.....I just know, we are going through a tough time again.  We married in 2004.  We already were raising Tristan together and wanted to give him some brothers and sisters pronto.  ......we made good money and tended to get what we wanted, when we wanted it.  We took trips on weekends, ate out, went to movies, got new stuff all the time, etc.  We were living the dream...our dreams anyway.  We had a blast.  Fun parties, good times.  We were living a wonderful life.  We loved each other deeply and I think everyone knew it too.  We worked hard and played hard.   ....and man, we both loved the entire concept of family.  We were a family already but we really wanted more.  ....somewhere along the line we realized things in the fertility department needed help.  ....I'll spare the long story here and condense it.  ......IUI's, meds, doctor appointments for Mikey and myself, embarrassing issues....and then YAY!, pregnant....and then the excitement of our baby, our Ireland, our new dreams with a daughter and then the crushing reality of that dream instantly gone.  ...there isn't a pause long enough to explain how crushing her absence is.   We somehow went through this time and tried to be there as the same loving parents to Tristan but let's face it, we were not the same people after this.  Our finances were different, our personal selves had changed.  Tristan changed and oh poor baby, he has gone through so much with us while living his teen years...I'm not sure I'll ever understand his experience fully.    and then I'm pregnant again...neither of us fully comprehend I'm even pregnant and just as fast as I realize there is a life in me, that life ends in a miscarriage.........well, slowly we begin a new life....a trip to Zion's national park, a new job for me....and BOOM, I'm pregnant again.  This time is different.  Things are stressful, emotions are still a bit rocky but Sawyer is strong and brings a new light into our world.  ...I can not even begin to describe the beauty of Sawyer's life. .....of course, all babies need us to care for them but my God, Sawyer turned our lives back on.  Mikey mentioned once that he never thought I'd be the same again and really, I will never be the same....but Sawyer's life was a true gift.   ........and sure enough, fun times were coming back and I got pregnant again.  ......and no lie, I was scared.  I wasn't scared of losing my pregnancy or my baby having problems....I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle two babies!!!!    .......................and here we are.  I can handle two babies.  I can love two babies and a teen just fine. life is different though.  We do not go out.  We can not afford what we used to.  Once again, we don't feel in control of our destiny.  or, I don't feel in control.  I can only speak for myself.  .........this weekend, our last four wheeler will be sold.  It is an expense and something we don't have time to use anymore.  It makes me sad but then again, I dreamed of having these babies and I have them.   .........I am in the process of redefining myself, my roles in life and ultimately, my dreams for myself, my family.  I suppose we are all redefining ourselves continuously but I like to think my life right now is probably a little more dramatic than yours (I say this in a totally loving way).   ......Today, I just want happiness.  I want Connor to have a good day and for Sawyer to have fun and laugh.  I want to work on Connor laughing.  I want to make sure Tristan is having a good time at his dad's house.  I want to not feel a sense of duty but a sense of my own happiness.    ..........I read somewhere that people are always searching for their purpose and that if you're making a list everyday of things to do, that is your purpose.  I love that.  It is simple and the article was much more involved but this is what I took from it.  Make a list and this is your daily'll get to where you want to go.  ........I used to dream of my next weekend trip, my next meal out, my next big, I'm dreaming of what I'll make such and such for Christmas because it needs to have meaning and yet, I can't just buy something this year.  I'm dreaming of Connor getting through his next surgery and then learning to drink from a bottle.  I can't wait for Tristan to come home and the dream is that I'll have this teenager that does his homework, has the perfect girlfriend, does nice extra curricular activities and involves me in nearly everything (it's my dream!!!!!).  I dream up Sawyer finally saying "mama" and us just having fun outside.  I dream of just having a nice conversation with my husband and him possibly giving me a small gift that is unexpected. dreams have changed quite a bit and right now, I have a hard time looking beyond tomorrow.  I really want my health to stay strong (had a few scares in a short time but another post, another time).  I would like to sleep well.  I would love to have my closest friends nearer to me.  ....I dream of parties again but thinking smaller scale and better conversations are outweighing the big parties of the past.   I dream of just giving a hoot about my appearance right now (because frankly, right now, I could care less even though instant body perfection would be nice).    ..........anywho, once again, my thoughts are random and all over the place.  I love my life and yet I'm irritated that what I believed to be simple dreams and wants in this world have not panned out the way I thought.  I hate that I do not have Ireland here and I can't stand the thought of Connor being labled a special needs level 3 child (another post).  I hate that Tristan is a product of divorce and that he has suffered in his own ways for all that has happened in the past few years.  I hate the thought that Sawyer is not having the fullest childhood that I dream for him and his brothers.  I hate that my marriage to Mikey is nowhere near the commericalism of a perfect life/love.  ......ick, lots of hate here .....on the flip side, I love every single one of these guys.  I can not begin to count the ways I love each of them in their own special way.  My life is beyond what I dreamed in terms of the love I feel for them and the enrichment I receive from them.  .............anywho, this was my middle of the night ramblings.........a baby is crying and needs me now.....and then I'll make a list and do as much as I can......with as much positivity and happiness I can muster at any given moment.....

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