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Monday, November 26, 2012

some series of events...or midnight ramblings

There is a moment in one of the Harry Potter movies where Harry just kissed Cho for the first time and he's told his friends she started crying afterwards.  Ron is getting a talking to from Hermione and he says....no way can one person feel all that...their head would explode.   .........yeah, my mind is like that.  It doesn't explode .......but at 2am......I'm up and my mind is racing.  ..........right now.........I should lace up and go to the gym but this morning, I feel defiant.  Screw the gym.  I am doing this instead.   ...........sometimes, if I can't sleep and need to escape, I get on the computer and usually hit a favorite blog and then I start going fom link to link to link and end up in a blog that I sort of visit.  Sometimes it's crafty sewing, other times it's card creations, sometimes it's beautiful nature photography, other times it's decorating or fabulous family moments...sometimes it's research on things that are on my mind, in that moment........it's just sporadic ramblings of the world and it's a fabulous free mind escape.  ..........lately, I find myself really wanting to get things out of me........I believe it is the holidays that do this to me.  It's a time of thankfulness......a time of giving.  The new  year will come and we'll take hard looks at ourselves and try to choose a path that's different than the previous year....holidays can be a time of reflection...figuring out what's important 
........I've been blessed with some amazing people in my life that tell me I'm  a good writer....or I've had alot of things happen to me and always came out ahead.......others tell me I have something to say that could teach others.  I'm told that I come out shining.......that I'm a good example......I'm a good person.  I've been through so much and come out ahead and better.  This is what I'm told.     ...............then I happen to fall on someone's writing that leaves me speechless and drenched in tears. ..........I think, my God, I wish I could write like that.  ........So, being me......I turn to a book .........I turn to inspiration.  ...........I realize, I am this person.  I've had this happen.  That book isn't telling me things I didn't know.......That inspiration is starting to tick me off.  No fear.  Risk.  Inciting events.  Create change.  Create moments.  Remember.  Make things memorable by giving the moment an emotional punch. ..................WTF.........WTH.............are you freaking kidding me.  ..........

.......I stop it all and for the first time in a really long time just cry because I've been through too much.  I don't do this very often because as Ron so lovingly put it........if you are feeling that much, surely your head will explode.  ........I haven't exploded but sometimes I do stop and feel sorry for myself.  .......It usually doesn't last long but it happens.  Sometimes I think I should call the doctor and get some meds.  .........I've never taken anything mental meds wise longer than about two days.......Once I snap out of my mini depression, I usually think I'm behaving normal for someone who's been through what I have.........and then sometimes, I wonder if I really should be taking something.  .......Do other people have these little mini depressions hit them like this?  Do other people stay up because they worry they're not eeking out their very best life for them and their family?  Do other people dream of  philosophy in their sleep?  Do other people have constant conversations with God or the universe at large and wonder what does it all mean, etc.?

Being this constant thinker has it's rewards and it's disadvantages to be sure.  ......I often think the simplest of people have the best lives.........but then, I've been cursed (maybe blessed) to have simple people in my life that spute utter ridiculousness out of their mouths and then I'm reminded ...no......ignorance is not beautiful......it's just dumb.....simple.....usually beyond thoughtless.  ..........and I'm not speaking of mentally impaired here.......just the people who've chosen to live in bubbles.

When Connor had his genetics appointment we were told his analysis showed that he was a "normal boy".  He, therefore, simply had the unfortunate outcome of a series of events that happened to him in the womb.    .......a series of events.    ........not even born and his life gave him a series of events with the outcome of a life of pain and struggle.  ...........and yet, he's not yet 8 months old and rarely is seen without a smile or simply enjoying taking in everything around him.  For all that has happened thus far in his little life......he's been my absolute easiest baby.  Dramatic things have happened to him.......but he........he's not drama.  He's easy going.  He's beautiful and cute.  He likes his food.  He loves his brothers and seems surprised and grateful for any attention from them.

I think of Ireland and sometimes get sad......sometimes just wonder about heaven....life and death......where do we go?  Is she old or young or a blade of grass or having conversations with God or part of the air I breathe?  Is she happy or missing me or watching me or holding my papa's hand and running around trees with other little angels?  Does she have a sister named Iris Gale that I dreamed of before I miscarried? ....Does she have wings or is she like the movie...what dreams may come.......and has she taken some adult form to guide others to their destination?.........was her purpose in life for me?  was it for her?  was it for everyone else?.........why did it have to be such a short time?  why couldn't she have stayed with me?  grew up with her brothers?  ...........why did she have to go?  .........did she go because we decided ?  or did she go because .................                                             it sucks.  it's not fair.

I love my mom.  .......I wonder if she was predestined to be my mom.  I wasn't born of her womb.  .........there is another woman in this world that may think she's my mom.  ........I haven't explored these feelings too much because I love my mom......I love who I call mom even when she drives me nuts or I feel like I'm dissappointing or not living up to her desires.  ...........my mom loves me.    ..........I wonder if the woman who thinks or doesn't think she's my mom thinks of me.  ..........she must.  .........I know the story of her briefly and can imagine she thinks of me alot. ......it's weird because I don't think of the man who spawned me too much.  ..........I have a dad.  ..........but there is a man out there that may think he's my dad and I'm his daughter.  .........I wonder about them sometimes.  ..........Mikey found the name of my birthfather once and did a search and we think he passed away but we're not sure.  .........it's the internet age and I searched once or twice but nothing too serious.  .......I did a facebook search and even sent a message to some folks with the same last name...the same geographic area.  ................not one response.               there is a woman with the name I was born with that came from where I was born and now lives in the midwest.  I flat out asked if she'd heard of me.......she hadn't but thought it was a cool coincidence.   ........i was seeking information about Connor's condition once and found a girl's picture that looked like she could have been my twin.  It was erie.  She has a son with Connor's condition.  ..........it gives me goose bumps and makes me a tad uncomfortable.

Something happened once.  I was drunk.  I was young.  I don't remember anything at all but that I woke up and had bled.  My best friend of the time was called.  It was unsettling.  ......I didn't do anything about it.  Absolutely nothing.   

It took me over 8 months to tell a man I loved him.  Our love was intense and things novels try to touch.  ........he broke my heart.  .......and years later, I let him back in.........and he tried to set me on a shelf and I must have changed..........because that time, my heart was ok.  ..........I moved on.

I didn't know my husband would be my husband.  I didn't know how beautiful he truly was when I met him.  ..........I had no idea someone could love me like he loves me.  ........and when I stop and reflect........I'm amazed how much I love him too.

I was told indirectly that my daugther died and my son was born this way because God punishes his children.........yeah........it was said out loud.    and yeah........I've forgiven this ignorance but I will never ever forget it.

I was told that I was raised better and was an embarrassment to my family when I got pregnant with Tristan.   ..........yep, I still have the letter you wrote me.  .........I forgave you too but I'll never forget this either.

I was told by someone, at some point, somewhere that I was beautiful, that I was smart, that I could be anyone and do anything..........I think a few people said this.  I think I read it somewhere.  ...........I believe it.

I've had to get food at a food bank before.  It was defining.  .......I've been on WIC where I had to sign the bottoms of checks to feed my oldest son.  .......at the time, his dad was active duty military and these checks were signed in the commissary (military grocery store),  .......I had food stamps for about six months when my oldest was young.......it embarrassed me and I'd do my best to shop when there would be a minimum amount of people.

My first marriage was short.  We were not really together long at all but we had Tristan together and for that I will always be grateful.  .......our divorce was so dramatic..............and soooooo........not dramatic. ......I think we've always had emotions  for one another and always will.  I think it's appropriate.....  I always wonder what God thinks about all of it too.........the divorce......him and me.......Tristan having to deal with it all.    ..........Mikey...........  Mikey has to deal with it too    .........I suppose we're all luckier than most.  .......atleast, on my side of the great divorce spectrum..........  I want Steve happy too.   .............and I want all of us happy and loved.    .......that's what it's all about. ...right?

...I think my little Soybean saved me.  .......seriously.  His timing was impecabble.  ......I didn't know it at the time.........

God.........I think about him/her alot........religion.......it's bred in me.........I breathe in a spirit that has wounded me........I question everything........EVERYTHING  ......I have gay friends......I love them and do not think they are wrong or wired wrong.....I think God loves them too.  I think murderers are freaking Satan's spawn and I'm not real keen on them saying a prayer and all is forgiven.  ........I have opinions.........I have free will......I have sooooooo much faith and yet I question EVERYTHING....my suffering has supposed purpose......I'm supposedly a Phoenix rising from the ashes........      I believe in the census of Caesar's time just as I believe that there are census' today.........and with that, I believe in HE........but.......BUT......I question........I think........there are things I don't agree with.......and one day, I hope WE get to have a conversation.....


.......life is a series of moments.  I'm pretty sure I read that.  I hear people should create events, create some drama......try to live a life they can remember.  .........I have read that some people look back and really don't remember all that much.  ............I have a horrible memory.  ..........and yet, I do remember all this stuff......yeah, I remember the dramatic stuff.........and weirdly, I have created memories at times because my mom gave me a box that included papers from my adoption caseworker and it was bizarre to read about my birthfamily in an essay fashion and realize that what I thought I remembered and what was fact were two very different things.  ..........Bizzare,     ..........anywho,  it makes me wonder if it's cooler nowadays that people can virtually record their life and moments with camera phones and facebook and such.....will their memories be real or will they just do like I did in the case of my birthfamily "memories" and just create memories that they've embellished?


.................over and out peeps.  .........after saying the word Bizzare.......  I'm done with this mental dumping on a blog.

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